5 questions women ask men

[shuster Профиль]

Here are answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask men.

1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not
answer properly, which is to say dishonestly.

For example:

1 - "What are you thinking?"

The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if
I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm,
wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are
and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement
bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at
the time, which was most likely one of five things:

a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are
d - How much prettier she is than you
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died

According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid
question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked
it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be
talking instead of thinking."

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong
answers:

2 - "Do you love me?"

The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who
feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong
answers include:

a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?

3 - "Do I look fat?"

The correct male response to this question is to confidently and
emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the
room. Wrong answers include:

a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your
insurance policy.

4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?"

The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by
you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident
or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct
response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:

a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your
insurance policy.

5 - "What would you do if I died?"

Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely
demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce
hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck
that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot,
as is illustrated by the following stupid exchange:

"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do
you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a
long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my
old clothes?
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the
pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose
you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed..."

[shuster Профиль]

уже вижу комменты:
- боян
- не смешно
- многабукфф
- ниасилил
- англ зря, переведите


извиняйте сразу за вышеперечисленные пункты

[Estor Профиль ICQ]

а по-моему смешно.

гениальное изречение из тупейшего сериала "If I wanted you to know, I'd be talking instead of thinking."

Диалог в конце убил.

Где берешь такие?

[Чучундра Профиль ICQ]

Ых..
начала, ничё так...

Но, Шустер, ты сам всё сказал )))
И действительно зря, что без перевода

[G@ly@ Профиль ICQ]

Продолжение темы общения полов, но уже по-русски:

Фразы, которые мужчины хотели бы услышать:

- Прости, я была неправа!
- Не волнуйся, я справлюсь со всеми тремя: у меня черный пояс по карате.
- Милый, ты уверен, что выпил уже достаточно?
- Я не слишком много разговариваю?
- Пойду-ка я на фиг!
- Я решила с сегодняшнего дня ходить дома голой.
- Мы с подругами подготовили тебе небольшой сюрприз. Девочки,
раздеваемся!
- Моя сестра хочет переночевать у нас. Ты не против, если она ляжет с
нами?
- Я ненадолго на улицу дом побелить.
- Что мне сделать такого, чтобы загладить свою вину?
- К родителям я съезжу сама, а ты пока сходи с друзьями на стриптиз…
- Разве ты не должен сейчас сидеть с друзьями в пивнушке?
- Меня так возбуждает, когда ты пьяный…
- Сегодня вечером мне нужен только бесстыдный, развратный секс.
- Послушай, я зарабатываю неплохо. Зачем тебе работать? Лучше научись играть в покер.

Особенно последнее меня радует

[shuster Профиль]

[quote=Estor,Jan 8 2006, 02:02 PM]Где берешь такие?

[/quote]

да так, везде по немногу )

[Терпсихорка Профиль ICQ]

ЗЛО!....но прикольно

[Пендальф Серый Профиль]

англ зря, переведите топикфтопку

[shuster Профиль]

[quote=Пендальф Серый,Jan 8 2006, 05:15 PM]англ зря, переведите топикфтопку

[/quote]

читай второй коммент
и ваще я же пишу на международном языке, в наше время знание его, хобя бы на уровне этого текста, просто необходимо..

вот если бы я писал на аравийском, тогда переводил бы, а так... сочувствую тебе

[P.A.R.T. Профиль ICQ]

Убейсибя сразу...